In a similar vein to my earlier diatribe on extended life light bulbs, I was telling a friend (raving in fact) about how fantastic they were, when he pointed out that, according to its package, the light bulb came with a lifetime guarantee.

Sounds like more slippery turf to me; just what exactly is a lifetime guarantee? And how do we determine what constitutes “lifetime”?

Is this period mine, or the light bulb’s, lifespan? Both these variables are simultaneously open to interpretation and misinterpretation. Sure, it would be easy to “guarantee” a light bulb for life, were we talking product lifespan, and that intended duration happened to be only a month.

Here’s how I see the deal; the light bulb is intended to last, say six months, but only has a one month guarantee. You just can’t go wrong here can you? The light bulb outlasts its guarantee period, and the manufacturer comes up smelling of roses.

So long as it blew anytime after the promised month of life, the guarantee would hardly be placing any severe financial hardship on manufacturer, would it? The light bulb blew after one month and one day? Tough! You’re outside the guarantee period, deal with it, and buy a replacement!

But if we interpret “lifetime” as being the average life expectancy of a person, then the light bulb company is skating on thin ice. I only have to buy one light bulb once, and simply invoke the replacement guarantee until such time as my big switch in the sky is permanently flicked off.

To sum up; the light bulb is intended to last six months, but only has a one month guarantee on it. In other words, a lifetime, since one month is supposedly the expected life span of the thing. And we are talking the product’s lifetime here, since it would appear that we have more compassion for a light bulb than human life.

It’s true I missed my calling in life; my friend suggested I’d make a good cab driver. Actually I more had “consumer rights advocate” in mind.